|0.0||This player has never played tennis before.|
|-0.5||This player has just failed his first tennis lesson.|
|-1.0||This player is self-taught and is beginning to play tennis very badly.|
This player has no coordination,
frequently trips over his own clown feet while chasing balls;
is happy when he can hit the ball on just the second bounce.
This player could not land a first serve even if there were no net;
has never broken an opponent's serve;
hits over half the balls into the net or out of play;
has trouble finding opponents of sufficient ineptitude.
This player often accidentally lets go of his racket
on overhead shots, thus throwing it over the net;
regularly hits lobs over the chain-link fence;
has been known to thrust a leg out soccer-style at
passing shots in order to kick the ball over the net.
This player is legally blind in one eye
and frequently misses the ball altogether;
has been taken to the emergency room after
bruising kidneys with wild backswing;
plays with a racket head the size of a Volkswagen.
This player has suffered permanent
and irreversible brain damage after being deprived
of oxygen for over sixteen minutes,
after betting his opponent that he could
fit a tennis ball entirely in his mouth.
This player suffers hallucinogenic flashbacks
of humiliating losses dating back over twenty years;
cannot concentrate for more than five minutes
at a time and has been fired from each of his last six jobs;
pays $200 an hour for psychological group counseling
three nights per week with other troubled tennis players.
This player's wife was shamed into filing for divorce
after he suffered a particularly brutal and ignominious loss
at the annual tennis club tournament;
reacts to his opponents' cross-court winners
by lunging across the net with teeth bared;
occasionally threatens and stalks chair umpires;
has been banned from every tennis court and club in the metropolitan area.
|-5.0||This player has decided to play golf instead.|