A non-tennis-playing friend of mine
wrote this satirical version
of the NTRP.

He asked that I not reveal his identity,
but he gives his permission to freely distribute this!

I got a real kick out of it, and hope you do, too!

(When you're done with this,
read my "What's your NTRP level?" page
to get the real deal!)




I think this revised rating system is better suited to my game:

 0.0 This player has never played tennis before.
-0.5 This player has just failed his first tennis lesson.
-1.0 This player is self-taught and is beginning to play tennis very badly.
-1.5 This player has no coordination,
frequently trips over his own clown feet while chasing balls;
is happy when he can hit the ball on just the second bounce.
-2.0 This player could not land a first serve even if there were no net;
has never broken an opponent's serve;
hits over half the balls into the net or out of play;
has trouble finding opponents of sufficient ineptitude.
-2.5 This player often accidentally lets go of his racket
on overhead shots, thus throwing it over the net;
regularly hits lobs over the chain-link fence;
has been known to thrust a leg out soccer-style at
passing shots in order to kick the ball over the net.
-3.0 This player is legally blind in one eye
and frequently misses the ball altogether;
has been taken to the emergency room after
bruising kidneys with wild backswing;
plays with a racket head the size of a Volkswagen.
-3.5 This player has suffered permanent
and irreversible brain damage after being deprived
of oxygen for over sixteen minutes,
after betting his opponent that he could
fit a tennis ball entirely in his mouth.
-4.0 This player suffers hallucinogenic flashbacks
of humiliating losses dating back over twenty years;
cannot concentrate for more than five minutes
at a time and has been fired from each of his last six jobs;
pays $200 an hour for psychological group counseling
three nights per week with other troubled tennis players.
-4.5 This player's wife was shamed into filing for divorce
after he suffered a particularly brutal and ignominious loss
at the annual tennis club tournament;
reacts to his opponents' cross-court winners
by lunging across the net with teeth bared;
occasionally threatens and stalks chair umpires;
has been banned from every tennis court and club in the metropolitan area.
-5.0 This player has decided to play golf instead.


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